Global Squashing



The picture above may look harmless enough, but  in reality it is a harbinger of the impending doom that I regret to have to inform you about!  I’m afraid that my girlfriend and I have inadvertently set in motion something that will inevitably lead to the obliteration of our planet.  I’m speaking of course about planting squash.

It all started out so innocently – or at least sort of innocently since we knew that planting squash is always a dangerous endeavor – but we never expected this!  We planted those squash seeds knowing full well of the bounty(?) that was to come.  Yes, from past experiences with growing this tribble of the vegetable world, we knew full well that we’d be giving away squash to anyone who would take it – eventually driving all of our friends, family, neighbors, local homeless people, and the human race in general to avoid us –  lest we insist upon them taking more squash.  What we didn’t realize though was the difference between planting non-native squash versus a native variety that is accustomed to the dry, hot air and the hard rock and clay soil of San Antonio, Texas.  I had always wondered why they didn’t sell seeds for native squash.  Apparently the seed companies avoided selling native squash seeds because they knew…

They knew the devastation it would cause if such seeds were ever released into their native environment.  I can only conclude that we were the unwitting accomplices of bio-terrorists whose plot to insert native squash seeds into the world has now succeeded – and due to our ignorance, we shall now be witness to the destruction of earth!

The picture above was taken a mere 24 hours after the first seeds were planted.  By the end of the first week, it had overtaken the entire back yard, was growing down the back alley, as well as  over the top of our house and the houses of our closest neighbors.  The local stray dogs and cats began to disappear-as the vines began to actively hunt them and quickly convert them to squash.  The plant is now completely out of control and current estimates are that the entire city of San Antonio will be lost beneath a thick layer of squash vines within another week if disaster officials cannot find a solution – and the prospects are not looking good.  Industrial strength herbicides, salting the earth, and even a napalm attack have proven unsuccessful.  Evacuations are underway, but I fear that they will be for naught.  In all likelihood, soon no place on earth will be safe, and surrounding planets may be at risk as well.

I know that a simple “my bad” is insufficient to make up for my role in the squashing of the world (and quite possibly, the universe), but I hope that people can find it in their hearts to forgive me.  May God have mercy on our souls!


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